“Midway upon the journey of our life, I found myself within a forest dark, for the straightforward pathway had been lost.”
― Dante Alighieri, The Divine Comedy
It’s been a while now since I’ve written my last post and a lot of things happened since then. The idea of me stopping things like blogging and other activities I like for work or because I’m searching for a job have always haunted me but it seems like it’s to some extent unescapable. I started feeling like Dante at the start of his journey through hell. The hardest thing after graduation is picking your own path but I found out that even when you know where you are going it’s not always enough.
Let’s start by a short briefing of how horrible my new year resolution is going in the first quarter of 2022
I can barely pronounce the Russian alphabet (I wanted to challenge myself by learning a language from a different alphabet) regarding my language learning goals Only 3 times I attempted to try tidytuesday and weren’t even public ones I’m gaining weight again and almost neglecting all the computer vision tasks and plans So in short it’s been hard to keep up with it and basiclly a major failure.
Career wise I was snubbed by Go. I felt bad, like really bad because it was a data related job but I also knew that I wasn’t really the best candidate and I didn’t perform well in the technical screening, so their decision was understandable but it still hurts. Pushed by the desire to get my first job and get the illusion of financial independence I started another job it’s not as technically challenging or data centric as the one from Go but it still worth exploring two weeks in and I still haven’t fully made up my mind about it yet it has its pros and cons so no easy decision here.
I now feel lost, I was so naive thinking I wasn’t naive Like I’ve always known that life is hard and that life after graduation is a lot harder than before it, but I somehow imagined it to be different. Let’s just say I thought it’s going to be hard in a different kind of way. Wishful thinking is of course one of the worst enemies you can have. It’s essentially thinking about things (or sometimes people) the way you wish they are not the way they really are. It can be a career path or it can even be your own abilities.
I don’t know if my current job will lead me to the career I want but then again do I even know what is? that and most importantly do I have what it takes to make it in that career I think people, especially younger ones, tend to be passionate about their jobs now even though that’s not a bad thing but personally can view a job that way. I don’t think I just want to be one thing in life even though I know I kind of have to in today’s world.
Do I quit next week even though I had no problems so far or just wait and slowly drift away from the path I thought I’m going to walk? I should apply for scholarships and leave? then I’ll think about what will happens but that “then” will definitely come and all of this will be repeated but with the stakes being higher I don’t want to give up my dreams but sadly I know I might not afford to follow them sometimes you should just settle and realize that it can be luck sometimes that define your life.
also a realization I had recently that if your life has been hard so far that means it’s probably going to get harder and not the oppiset and a lot of people tend to beileve which is like the Monte Carlo fallacy.
I honestly don’t know what to do at this point of my life I feel there’s only bad and worse decisions here
“How you can sit there, calmly eating muffins when we are in this horrible trouble, I can’t make out. You seem to me to be perfectly heartless.”
“Well, I can’t eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.”
“I say it’s perfectly heartless you are eating muffins at all, under the circumstances.”
I like this quote a lot because sometimes all we need is little calmness to make the right decision or at least or lack of calmness and mindfulness leads to even worse decisions so for now I’m just going to try to “eat my muffins” without letting the butter get on my cuffs
And by the way (if you haven’t guess already ) The title of this post comes from pulp fiction one of my all time favorite movies this quote said by jules twice in the movie but when he was explaining what this made up verse meant in the restaurant scene.
“Ezekiel 25:17. “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.”
“…it could be you’re the righteous man and I’m the shepherd and it’s the world that’s evil and selfish. I’d like that. But that shit ain’t the truth. The truth is you’re the weak. And I’m the tyranny of evil men. But I’m tryin, Ringo. I’m tryin’ real hard to be the shepherd.”
I’ve been telling this to myself now that instead of looking at the world as an evil or selfish place it was me who is weak and needs to be stronger.
This is one of my happiest moments of the past few months. I never thought I would miss doing this and the fact that this blog will be 1 year old in less than 3 months is actually crazy and makes me panic thinking about how fast time is moving.
Hopefully I make another post(s) soon and it won’t take me 3 months to do so.